Daniel V. Klein © 2004

Episcopal Minister.  I suppose I could do that.  Lutheranism is not too far from Episcopalian, and both sects ordain women.  ItÕs not exactly what I had in mind when I took the Myers Briggs and Strong preference tests, but they say that the results donÕt lie.

Rabbi.  I guess I could convert, and the Reform temples have female rabbis.  There is even a female cantor at Rodef Shalom, but I canÕt sing well enough, and besides, the test results were very specific Š rabbi.

Roman Catholic priest.  Hmm, now thatÕs going to be a hard one.  Not only are there no female priests, but the Catholics are pretty anti-women anyway (unless you happen to be named Mary, and even then you better watch out for how they feel about the Magdalenes).  Well, thatÕs only one data point on the list that missed.  You gotta trust these tests, though Š after all, folks with a lot of education and experience devised them.  And theyÕve been using these tests since, what, the 1920Õs?  So any kinks must have been worked out by now.  Right?

Spiritual advisor.  Hey, I can do that!  Non-specific, gender neutral, not even deity biased.  I could probably even help pantheists and polythesists, in addition to the usual Judeo-Christian monotheists.  HmmÉ do atheists need spiritual advisors?

Flight attendant.  OoookayÉ  Well, if you believe that heaven is ŅupÓ, then along with the pilots and astronauts, at least most of the time that job is nearer my God to thee.  ŅCoffee, tea, or spiritual advice?Ó  Who was this Myers guy, anyway?  Is there a psychologistÕs accreditation board?

Social worker.  Look, I took these tests as part of a career coaching exercise.  That means I want a career, and that means I want to earn more than enough money for rent and a nice restaurant now and then.  ThereÕs something that doctors donÕt want you to know: you can graduate at the bottom of your class, and still get your degree.  I wonder where Briggs got his degree.  Did he have honors and offers, or is this stupid test his only claim to fame?

Medicine man.  Okay, I just made that one up.  But IÕve always been drawn to Native American culture Š so, why not?  ArenÕt witch doctors and medicine men a combination of spiritual advisor and social worker, anyway?  And there are medicine women and female healers all through indigenous societies.  I might be on to somethingÉ

Secretary.  Secretary? God bless Õem, IÕm glad that some people enjoy typing and taking dictation, but me?  Hey Strong, you misogynistic old fart, you wrote this test in the 1920Õs, right?  Back when women were frail and men were scared of them, right?  Get with the program!  This is the 21st century!  Secretary.  Bah!

Monk.  UhÉ well, at least weÕre back to the God thing, but I donÕt think I have ever seen a ŅmonkÓ column in the want ads. I have my tonsils, I donÕt need a tonsure! And I donÕt even eat fried food, how can I be a friar? Can women even be monks?  Monkettes?  Minx?

Nun.  No.  Non.  Nyet.  No way!

Okay.  Deep breath.  Maybe this is all a metaphor?  Or a semaphore, pinafore, petits fours?  What am I doing this for?  Deep breath.  No need to get all worked up.  Deeeeep breath.  AhhhhhhhÉ

You know, maybe this isnÕt so bad after all.  Saddhu and saint, why not aspire to both?  ŅYour grace.Ó  I could get used to that.  ŅYour worship.Ó  Getting better all the timeÉ  ŅYour holiness.Ó

19. Professional services

Spiritual advisor, will work in Eastern and Western philosophies, new age and old world.  Souls saved, spirits salved, sins absolved, higher planes of enlightenment attained.  Will work by the hour or the incarnation.  Negotiable rates, references.

Oh, oh, waitÉ ŅYour eminence.Ó  Oooooh yeeeaaahhhh!